Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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