Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
