you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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