Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
