it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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