then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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