Fine. I'll sleep in my office
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
