It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize