omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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