My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
