That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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