Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
