Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
4 words: hood of his car
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
