WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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