Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
