you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
