This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
