He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
