it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
