You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
