did you get engaged???
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize