I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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