I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize