can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize