it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
