I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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