I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I can't turn off my feet"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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