How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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