Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
