dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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