i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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