His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
