She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
