....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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