I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
