Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
