you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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