We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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