I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
