everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
