this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I have already put on my inside pants.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
