Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
