I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
