life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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