I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
