i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
