I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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