Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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