I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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