Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
