Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
