She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
