we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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