I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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