I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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