12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
