Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize