nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
