I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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